Labyrinthine’s blog

I just feel like I'm going to suffocate.
I get really clingy with B because I feel like I don't have anyone else. No phone, rarely online... How would anyone else get close to me? I feel like my best friend's life just keeps going on and on and on and she's going to be so amazing, and she's just having this lovely, happy life that I'm not at all a part of. And while I'm glad she's happy, I get this ache in my heart because I honestly don't believe she misses me anymore. Why should she? She has everything going for her.

I'm just me. No one expects me to make it out of here alive.

I want so badly to say that I like my body the way it is, but I don't. Not really. I don't necessarily want to be skinny, but I think if I weighed 140-150, I'd be so much healthier and able to enjoy life more. ): But that's a lot of weight for me to lose.

I look in the mirror, and sometimes I'm okay with what I see. Other times, all I see are my huge arms/thighs/stomach, and it just looks so unhealthy. And it IS unhealthy. I'm not one of those girls who weighs 120 and bitches all the time about how huge she is. I really am very overweight. And making a change, especially while living with my family, is SO hard.

My stepdad weighs probably 320+ pounds, and he has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. His doctor told him that he should get gastric bypass surgery, even though insurance won't cover it (yes, even though it could save his life). He's lost weight before, on Atkins, but gained all of it back. :/ Like eating fucking bacon and burgers all day and forcing your body into ketosis is a good way to get healthier. Haha.
My mom probably weighs around 170, and has the typical diabetic apple figure (and worsening diabetes to go along with it). You'd think that my parents would want to buy healthier food so that their kids don't have the same health issues they do, but you'd be wrong :D! My parents don't even realize what healthy food IS, I think. They buy donuts, sno-balls, cookies, cheese, mini fruit pies, soda, chips, candy, etc. Sure, they buy some fruits and vegetables, but for the most part, the junk gets eaten first. Vegetables are likely to be found rotting in the drawers of the refrigerator.

If I so much as mention this in front of my siblings, I get SO much shit. But this has been a problem all my life, and if I lived by myself (which I hope to do by September), I think it would be easier to eat healthier... Right now I'm in a position where I can't afford to buy my own food, so I have to eat whatever my parents decide to buy. If I moved out, I'd be able to make decisions on what I allowed in MY fridge, my cupboards, and my body.

I guess what I really need is a better job. :(

What if it happened?

I decided that it would probably destroy all the innocent, childlike parts of me that are still left. I wouldn't secretly still want to visit Disney World someday, and I wouldn't want to travel the actual world. I wouldn't still be capable of hysterical giggles... the ones that you usually hear from happy toddlers. I would stop thinking that I could make a positive change in the world, or any impact at all. I don't think I'd have my sense of humor anymore. I don't think I could make new connections with people. I don't think people would want to see me anymore. I wouldn't always want to go to museums, or the zoo, or take pictures constantly. I wouldn't believe in soulmates.

I think that what little color my skin has would drain away, and I'd just be this weird grey-ish color. I think pieces of myself would just fall off.

I think, in the end, that it would kill me.

Sometimes I think I'm too accepting of other people. I realize that it's good to accept that everyone has different thoughts and opinions and lifestyles and ways of looking at the world, but I think my acceptance of this makes crazies attracted to me. Seriously. Now that I'm emotionally removed from certain people, I can see their true colors and notice all the insanity and instability that I missed before. I'm not saying that I want people without issues, since everyone has some (I've certainly got my fair share), but there's a difference between being forgiving and accepting and just being a doormat. I need to draw that line.

Sometimes I forget that I actually deserve to be in a decent relationship, and that a relationship where I'm unhappy is worse than not being in one at all.

...but for someone who was supposedly so devoted to me, she sure didn't waste any time. And today she has the nerve to mention pregnancy scares to me. I asked if she was talking about herself, but she wouldn't give me a real answer.

I hate wondering how much of the things she felt for me were imaginary. But what is real, anyway? And how do you know when it's really love, or if the words that flow out of your mouth (or your fingers) are true, or if they just sound pretty?

Sometimes I think that I'm sincere, and other times I think I just want to feel loved. Sometimes I think I want a girl to like me, and then once I have her, I don't have a clue what to do.

Meanwhile, I'm falling for a most-likely-gay FtM... and I most likely will never see him again. Sigh.

I think what I really need is to just be by myself for a while. I need to figure out what I want and where I'm going. I'm afraid of breaking a friend's heart in the process. I hate disappointing people. But I've been re-evaluating my goals and priorities, and I have figured out SOME of my priorities, and PARTS of what I want already. I guess the thing is that, when you love someone so much you'll do anything for them, is the thing you think they want you to do always the right thing? Or would that person prefer that I'm happy doing something they don't really want? What if me doing what I really want means that I get to fully express myself and grow as a person on my own terms?
And what do I want most?

You should not be CONGRATULATING your friend when they've pretty obviously started developing an eating disorder.
"CONGRATS ON UR ANOREXIA!!111 WHEN R U GONNA GET A KEWL FEEDING TUBE?"

holy shit holy shit holy shit I'm going to fucking punch someone.

Maybe B was right when she told me that I only want what I can't have. The problem is, if that's true, then I'm never, ever going to be happy. Maybe I just need to grow up a little? If I had what I want, I don't know what on earth I would do with it, anyway. Clearly someone else knows better than I do. Someone has to. So I'm better off with no one, right? I mean, if I'm not happy either way, it's best not to drag anyone else into it. Maybe someday I'll stop being so goddamn emotionally crippled.

I wish the sky would start falling again. Work would be slower tonight if it snowed again. But what I really want is for it to be spring. I don't need anyone else to enjoy warmth and flowers and green (bright green, I mean, not the dark evergreen that Washington's known for).

I think I just break my own heart. I find rejections in between sentences, insults inside compliments, and bruises inside happiness.

The idea that I'd manage to love someone who'd manage to love me back is entirely ridiculous.

I realized that no one has anything to hold over my head if I just don't care.
Now, if only I could stop caring, I'd be all set.

No one seems to realize how much things get to me. Maybe that's my fault, though. I just don't want to come off as needier than I do already. Everyone has their own shit to deal with... The last thing they need is for me to feel sixteen again and tell them I've been fantasizing about making a mess of myself. That I've been taking new shaving razors and prying them apart, but then stopping halfway through to burst into tears.

No one wants to hear that. You don't want to hear that. I don't even want to hear it.

I just want someone to hold me until my heart can fix itself. Not all the way, but just enough to keep going until I can be safe in their arms again.

Darling, you break my heart each time you...

Whenever I give someone everything I have inside- when I completely turn myself inside out, thinking that if I just try a little harder and give a little more, I'll be able to fix something- it turns out that I'm not what that person wanted, anyway. It turns out that no matter how much of myself I give, it isn't going to be enough if it comes from the wrong person.
I'm always wrong. wrong. wrong.

A little kindness from the right person goes a hell of a lot further than a lot of kindness- and love- from someone else.

Maybe I should just give up.